I'm sad cause I was supposed to go down to NC to visit the Chungs. but I caught a cold and couldn't drive down today... 

so I'm stuck at home... resting, reading, watching TV, yeah... literally just playing.. haha..   It's kinda weird to have nothing to do... but... I guess i'll have to enjoy this time as much as I can before school starts.  

I'm on break until next week.. and as I enjoy this time off from work, I was going over some of my journals I've written in the past... I came across with one of the journals that I wrote nearly 2 years ago and it made me reflect on some of the thoughts I've been thinking of lately.

I think it's really true that I don't treat my passion for God nearly as much as I treat my passion for this life.  I realize that I have so many meaningless idols in my life that I chase after such as entertainment, comfort.. etc etc.   and I see myself struggling with the exact same thing over and over again.  Yet, it is amazing how God just embraces me for who I am even though I always fall so short.  and because of His grace, I can approach the throne with confidence knowing that I am His child.  I just can't ask for more when I am deeply loved by my Father.

here is the entry I wrote 2 years ago..   

now that I have some time to myself, I decided to visit my ESL school, where I stayed during my first year in the States in 97.  Despite the weather, I was excited and happy as if the summer had just approached.  I must say, it was one of those experiences that made me become all emotional.  I don't know why, but I just started crying when I got there.  All my emotional struggles I went through was coming back to me again.  

I was walking the path I used to walk everyday to go to my ESL classes.  and I remember having only ONE purpose in my life back then: LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH

As I sat in one of the classrooms, I could picture my classmates, my teachers.. etc. etc. I remember this teacher correcting me each time I said "shit" when I meant to say "sheet" .. she will call my name and correct me with pronouncing the word in slowmotion.. "shhhheeeeettt" Laena... "repeat after me" "Sheeeeeetttt" and I will open my mouth as wide as I can to pronounce that word, wanting to speak like her. 

Even though there were a lot of Korean students who only spoke Koreans to each other, I would refuse to talk to them in Korean cause I had to; LEARN ENGLISH

So many times, I would laugh at jokes just because everyone else was laughing when I completely missed it.     and of course I had no idea what it was about.  and then after everyone was finished laughing, I would ask, what did he mean?  and they were asking "I thought you were laughing too, Laena?" and I went " yeah, but I didn't  get it"

I couldn't remember the word "communist" and kept on saying "Bad people" (yeah. please consider that I grew up during the era when anti-communism was totally common in my country and was part of their public education. yes, I WAS brain-washed)  and NO one understood what I was talking about.  they all looked at me as if I was speaking one of the African languages or something.  

I honestly have no idea how I did it. If anyone ask me to do it again, I am not sure whether I'll willingly say yes.  I think I was bold and brave cause I DID NOT KNOW ANYTHING but one goal.   I didn't care what other Koreans spoke of me.  (In Korean culture, if you are a FOB and if you don't speak Korean to other FOBs you are considered arrogant, egotistical, nasty...etc)   With the desire to make more opportunities to speak to native speakers, I decided to work at a Subway when I didn't even know the name of different kinds of hams, cheese... etc)  When people asked me to put Swiss Cheese in their sandwich, I had to ask them back saying, "Do you know which one that is?"    I was running forward, running running running ... with one purpose;  to learn english.

as I was reminiscing, two thoughts came across my mind.

One of the thoughts was about having one purpose in my life.  Back then, I was spiritually struggling, and was too busy achieving my own "goal" that I set in my mind.  and I saw myself not caring what other people thought of me.  I did not care even if I was embarrassed.  I was only looking at one thing.  I was running forward to  reach the goal.  Running Foward.  Running foward.  But why does it become so hard when it comes to my spiritual walk?   Not caring what other people think of me.  Just running the race until that day comes when I can see my Father face to face.  But I see myself being embarrssed so easily to share our Father's love.  I see myself trying to have other purposes that are meaningless to me.  It is so easy for me to set the goals to please myself not to please God.  I really pray that my only one purpose in this life is to run the race until the day comes. 

The second thought was that even though I was spiritually struggling during that time, everything was under control.  I see how God really used everysingle day of my life according to His plan even though I didn't see it back then.  I look back of things that happened the past 8 years, and I can't help but praise the Lord.  God has blessed me with so many good sisters and brothers in my life.  He has given me a new family here.  8 years ago, I had no idea most of my friends existed, now they are my good friends who encourage me, support me, rebuke me, grow me, ... I can't help but thank God.  So many things happeed the past 8 years, happy, sad, .. etc.... so many exciting things happened... and it makes me smile whenever I think about it.   God had brought me to this point.  I believe that He is going to continue to carry me through the storm.    As I face my "new life" ahead of me, I am more than excited to see what God has in store for me in my life.  I wonder how He is going to use me to glorify His name.  And as I wait, I wait with such peaceful heart in me knowing that everything is in control.  Praise God.

I've been tagged by jmp70 forever-ago... ... and I promised her I would do it... so... FINALLY here it goes...